Farewell to Barney Gumble transcript

Prologue: The Opening Theme Tune Intro
Male Robotic Voices: The Simpsons

Clancy: back again for season 31

[Rock And Roll Version Of The Simpsons Theme Tune In Background]

There’s a billboard that reads:

Ralph is enjoying his strawberry ice cream treat while Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney are sawing off the head of the statue of Jebediah Springfield, but the head lands right on Ralph’s head.

Ralph: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bart is seen writing I will not tell fibs 28 times on the chalkboard.

[School Bell Ringing]

Bart skateboards outta the school building, all the way back home to the Simpson family’s house.

Dewy is conducting the student’s music while Lisa is playing her saxophone uncontrollably while walking out the door.

Homer is seen working at the Nuclear Power Plant while Mr. Burns, Smithers, Lenny and Carl are watching above him, and he finds a green radiation orb.

[Steam Whistle Sounds]

Homer leaves to drive back home from work.

Marge and Maggie are grocery shopping, but the cashier picks up Maggie and scans her by mistake and Marge rescues her immediately.

Homer is driving around while Bart is still skateboarding.

Marge and Maggie are now driving back home to their house.

Outside the Simpson family’s house, Homer is standing by the open garage, just as Lisa scoots right past him on her bicycle.

Homer: “D’oh!”

The Simpson family’s car is just about to pull right into the driveway.

Homer: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Homer rushes right back inside the house, and the 5 members of The Simpson family are about to sit on the sofa, but Rocky and Bullwinkle are sitting there.

Scene 1: Moe's Tavern
Homer: "So, Barney, Moe, guys, how's hard work been for all of you?"

Barney: "Oh, pretty good, Homer,"

Lenny: "the exact same as always,"

Carl: "the paper work and using calculators."

Moe: "It su'e does make lots of sense around he'e."

Meanwhile in Springfield Park.........

Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Marge, Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, Moe, Clancy, Mrs. Wiggum, Ned, Kathy, Rod, Todd, Sadie, Felicia, Julius, Bernice, Nick, Mr. Burns, Seymour, Carol, Groundskeeper Willie, Dewy and the others are having a super good time while Homer and Barney are speaking with 1 another and skipping rocks as well.

Homer: "Whoo-hoo, I skipped the 1st rock, now it's your turn, Barney."

Barney skips the 2nd rock.

Barney: "Wow, it's truly amazing!"

[Ground Crumbling]

Barney: "Uh oh, the ground's crumbling."

Barney begins falling right over.

Homer: "No, Barney, no!"

Barney: "Look out below!"

Barney falls right over in a super big ditch and remains knocked out.

Homer: "Barney, are you alright? (he looks right at Barney's dead frozen stiff body and face.) come on, show me some nice warm drool slick."

Homer realizes that Barney's now deceased.

Homer: "Oh crap, my best friend for life's deceased, and we never even got to see 1 good movie with 1 another."

Homer: [Sobbing A Bit]

Fade to a black screen........

Fox Network Announcer: "Don't go away, 'cause The SImpsons will be right back, right after these commercial breaks."

Commercial Break Number 1

Commercial Break Number 2

Fox Network Announcer: "And now, back to The Simpsons, right here on Fox Network."

Scene 2: The 1st Church of Springfield/Barney's funeral ceremony
Barney's deceased body's in his bright red casket and Homer's at the podium.

Homer: "An empty apple barrel vibrates, but today, my heart's that empty barrel, I know Barney and I sometimes had arguments, but well, he was a super good person and-"

Homer: (looking around to see Barney's face on the Springfield resident's heads.) "What the crap?"

Bart/Barney: "Look out below!"

Lisa/Barney: "Look out below!"

Marge/Barney: "Look out below!"

Krusty/Barney: "Look out below!"

Ned/Barney: "Look out below!"

Kathy/Barney: "Look out below!"

Rod/Barney: "Look out below!"

Todd/Barney: "Look out below!"

Sadie/Barney: "Look out below!"

Homer: "Obviously, you don't know what it's like to lose your own best friend for life."

Homer: [Sobbing Wildly Again]

Homer walks away from the podium and all the way back to where Bart, Lisa, Maggie and Marge are sitting and Timothy takes his place.

Timothy: "Barney Gumble was a super good man who lived alone and a brave young hero and snow-plow driver, and that's all he was in our entire lives, now let's close up that casket and take it to Springfield Cemetery."

Springfield Cemetery
Barney's closed red casket is being buried right underneath his grave which is now right next to Comic Book Guy's grave.

Homer: "He's now with Comic Book Guy in the skies of heaven right now."

The Simpson family's house/Barney's wake
Marge: "Homer? I brought you some turkey noodle soup for your condolences."

Homer: "I don't really feel much up to turkey noodle soup right now, Marge, but thanks a bunch anyhow."

Lenny: "You sure do notice lots of things."

Bart: "Man, I don't know what I'd do if I lost Milhouse like that,"

Lisa: "and I don't know what I'd do if I lost Janey like that either."

The Springfield Grief Counsling Center
Counselor Jim: "Some people have it super tough, Homer, I understand, so what brings you here?"

Homer: "I'm a depressed tragic Simpson."

Counselor Jim: "Tell me about your best friend for life."

Flashback sequence number 1: Duffless

Homer: "Barney, give me your keys, you're too drunk to drive.

Barney: "I'm fine."

Homer: "Okay, you leave me no option."

[Punching Sounds]

Barney: "Ow, what was that for?"

Homer: I'm trying to knock you out." 

Homer tries harder with a tire iron.

'Barney: "Ow, cut it out, (Homer tries slamming Barney's head right in the car door.) ow, [slam!] ow, [Slam!] ow, [slam!] ow, [slam!] ow, alright, here, take the keys." (He gives Homer the car keys.)'

Flashback sequence number 2: Whistler's Father

Abe: "Well, well, well, seems like my no talent son can suddenly whistle, tell me, Homer, how'd you manage to trill that high C with your lips in 2nd position?"

Maggie (from inside Homer's backpack): [Whistling Constantly]

Maggie pops right up outta Homer's backpack.

Maggie: [Continues Whistling Constantly]

Barney: "Oh, it's amazing."

End flashback sequences......

Homer: "Yep, those are all of the memories I now have of Barney in my mind right now."

Counsler Jim: "That's exactly right, and right now, you can at least build a Barney Gumble memorial shrine and put up memorial posters at Moe's Tavern."