Who's Gonna Run the Kwik-E-Mart? transcript

Prologue: The Opening Theme Tune Intro
Male Robotic Voices: The Simpsons

Clancy: back again for season 32

[Rock And Roll Version Of The Simpsons Theme Tune In Background]

There’s a billboard that reads: Always trust other people's wishes

Ralph is enjoying his strawberry ice cream treat while Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney are sawing off the head of the statue of Jebediah Springfield, but the head lands right on Ralph’s head.

Ralph: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bart is seen writing I will not tell fibs 28 times on the chalkboard.

[School Bell Ringing]

Bart skateboards outta the school building, all the way back home to the Simpson family’s house.

Dewy is conducting the student’s music while Lisa is playing her saxophone uncontrollably while walking out the door.

Homer is seen working at the Nuclear Power Plant while Mr. Burns, Smithers, Lenny and Carl are watching above him, and he finds a green radiation orb.

[Steam Whistle Sounds]

Homer leaves to drive back home from work.

Marge and Maggie are grocery shopping, but the cashier picks up Maggie and scans her by mistake and Marge rescues her immediately.

Homer is driving around while Bart is still skateboarding.

Marge and Maggie are now driving back home to their house.

Outside the Simpson family’s house, Homer is standing by the open garage, just as Lisa scoots right past him on her bicycle.

Homer: “D’oh!”

The Simpson family’s car is just about to pull right into the driveway.

Homer: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

Homer rushes right back inside the house, and the 5 members of The Simpson family are about to sit on the sofa, but Simpsonized versions of Greg, Anthony, Jeff and Murray of The Wiggles are sitting there.

Scene 1: Inside The Kwik E. Mart
Apu: "Yes? how can I help you?"

Milhouse: "I'd like to buy this bag of gummy worms, please."

Apu: "That'll be 13 dollars, please."

Milhouse gives Apu 13 dollars and pays for the gummy worms.

Milhouse: "Thanks a bunch."

Apu: "You're welcome, come again next time."

Milhouse exits the Kwik E. Mart building.

Apu: "That sure takes good care of everything, except I might need a little bit of help cleaning my windows."

Apu steps right outside the Kwik E. Mart.

Apu: "Does anybody wanna help me clean my dirty and filthy windows?"

Lenny: "I do,"

Carl: "count me in,"

Homer: "me too."

Apu: "Then let's get cleaning."

The Springfield residents begin cleaning the Kwik E. Mart's windows 'til they're all shiny clean.

Apu: "That should do it, now let's all go hang around at Springfield Park.

Springfield Park
Marge: "It sure is nice to walk around in this park,"

Apu: "now to sit around underneath this shady oak tree."

Apu sits right under the shady oak tree while Bart, Lisa, Marge (with Maggie), Homer, Rita and the others are setting up a relaxing picnic lunch spot.

Apu: "I sure hope nothing crazy happens to me."

Apu looks right up at a loose tree branch.

Apu: "I think I spoke too soon."

Apu tries to walk away from the loose tree branch, but it falls right off and hits him on his head by accident which causes him to fall right over to the floor.

Manjula: "Oh my word, Apu,

Ned: "are you alright?"

Apu: "Tell......Sanjay.....to.....run....the.....Kwik....E....Mart......for....me....in....my.....memories."

Groundskeeper Willie: "Aye, that's a lot o' bruises ya got thare."

Apu: "Don't.......forget.....about......me.....protect.....my....business."

Apu passes away peacefully from his injuries.

Julius puts his stethoscope right on Apu's chest, but to no avail.

Homer: "Oh my word, Dr. Hibbert, he's-"

Julius: "Yes, Homer, I'm afraid that Apu, our super special owner of the Kwik E. Mart is deceased and gone for good."

The Springfield residents mourn over Apu's motionless body.

Fade to a black screen.....

Fox Network Announcer: "Don't go away, 'cause The Simpsons will be right back, right after these commercial breaks."

Comercial Break Number 1

Commercial Break Number 2

Fox Network Announcer: "And now, back to The Simpsons, right here, on Fox Network."

The Simpson family's house
Kent Brockman: "Good afternoon and welcome to Channel 6 News, this afternoon's news is about Apu Nahasapeemapatilon, the owner of the Kwik E. Mart who passed away 'cause he got hit right on his head by a fallen tree branch while they were at Springfield Park, so he'll be taken up to the skies of heaven with Frank Grimes, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Maude Flanders, Amber Pai Gao Simpson, Gladys Gurney, Max the Ice Cream Man, Shari Bobins, Edna Krabappel Flanders, Albert Jones, Fat Tony I, Hyman Krustofski, Comic Book Guy, Barney Gumble, Jasper Beardley and Jackie Bouvier while he's deceased from a fallen tree branch at Springfield Park, here we are with the Flanders family members and Krusty the Clown, they're gonna speak about Apu, so, you guys, how did all of you go?"

Krusty: "Oh this is terrible and horrible, 'cause we were about to have a picnic lunch party with games, music and all sorts of things, but we saw Apu sitting right underneath the big oak tree and he looked up to see that the tree branch was loose, but when he tried to walk away from it, he got hit right on his head to his passing, so Apu couldn't move 1 single muscle 'cause there was lots of bruises."

Ned: "Of course it's terrible and horrible, Krusty, Apu was our best friend for life ever since 1998, at 1st, he, Homer, Barney and Seymour began their barbershop quartet, then he played the bongos in his secret garden."

Rod: "That's true, Daddy, anyhow, back in the days, Apu was with Manjula and the octuplets at Itchy and Scratchy Land while they were splitting up to find Poochie, it was a super good journey."

Todd: "Apu sold every single merchandise from snack chips to Squishees to Buzz Cola, didn't he?"

Kent Brockman: "Of course he did, so did the Simpson family members do anything with Apu?"

Krusty: "Yes, Kent, of course they did, they did a musical routine, it was called Who Needs the Kwik E. Mart, they played this in a montage of flashback memories and YouTube clips, it was super thrilling, every single time a customer exited the Kwik E. Mart with his or her already paid merchandise, he said and I quote: Thank you, come again, you just can't make that up, but anyhow, he's deceased right now, so he'll be taken to Springfield Cemetery."

Kathy: "So Apu's funeral service will be on Sunday, June 9, 2019,"

Sadie: "thanks a bunch,"

Felicia: "and goodbye."

Kent Brockman: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, it's good to see all of you again, and we'll be right back with the funeral service guests right after some commercial breaks."

Marge: "Oh my word,"

Lisa: "who's gonna run the Kwik E. Mart?"

Bart: "I suppose his brother, Sanjay could do it."

Maggie (removing her red pacifier from her mouth): "Don't know yet."

Fade to another black screen......

The 1st Church of Springfield/Apu's funeral service
Apu's dark blue casket's now closed and a photograph of Apu is standing right on it.

Timothy: "Good afternoon, we're all here to have Jennifer Katzenberg do a song of farewell to Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, the owner of the Kwik E. Mart, please welcome Ned Flanders."

Ned walks right up to the podium.

Krusty: [Playing On Piano Keys]

Ned: "Good afternoon, everybody, I'm Ned,"

Jennifer Katzenberg: I heard there was

a secret chord

Ned: "today's a celebration of my good friend, Apu,"

that David played

and it pleased the lord

Ned: "he used to be with Homer, Barney and Armin in their barbershop quartet,

but you don't really care

for music

do you

Ned: "in 2001, Apu wore a bowling uniform, that was a super nice outfit,"

it goes like this

the 4th the 5th

the minor fall 

and the major lift

Ned: "we continued to keep the Kwik E. Mart runnin' in business, it was wonderful,"

the baffled king

composing hallelujah

hallelujuah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

Ned: "here's homer to say a few words about him as well."

Homer takes his place at the podium.

your faith was strong

but you needed proof

you saw her bathing on the roof

her beauty and the moonlight

overthrew you

she tied you to a kitchen chair

she broke your throne

she cut your hair

and from your lips

she drew

the hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

maybe I been here before

I know this room

I walked before

Homer: "I always enjoyed Apu's snack chips, donuts and Squishees,"

I used to live alone 

before I knew you

Homer: "but a terrible thing happened to him, I was helping everybody set up for the picnic lunch party while he was sitting right underneath the big oak tree,"

I seen your flag 

on the marble arch

love is not a victory march

Homer: "a tree branch fell right on him and that's exactly how it happened."

it's a cold

and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

Lenny takes his place at the podium.

there was a time

you'd let me know

what's real

and going on below

but now 

you never

show it to me

do you

Lenny: "Now it's time for Apu to leave,

and remember when

I moved in you

the holy dark

was moving too

Lenny: "his entire body will be taken to Springfield Cemetery, then he'll be sent right up to the skies of heaven with Frank, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Maude, Amber, Gladys, Max, Shary, Edna, Albert, Fat Tony I, Hyman, Comic Book Guy, Barney, Jasper and Jackie as well."

and every breath

we drew

was hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

Timothy goes right back to the podium.

maybe there's a god above

Timothy: "Thanks a bunch, Ned, and you too, Lenny,"

and all I ever learned 

from love

Timothy: "to our owner of the Kwik E. Mart, Apu,"

was how to shoot at someone

who outdrew you

it's not a cry

you can hear at night

Manjula: "Apu was my best husband and knight in shining armor."

it's not somebody

who's seen the light

it's a cold 

and it's a broken hallelujah

Springfield Cemetery/Apu's burial ceremony

hallelujah

Timothy: "And now, we lower the closed casket of Apu right into the grave that's right next to Barney Gumble's grave, do any of you guys have something to say right before Apu goes up to the skies of heaven?"

hallelujah

hallelujah

Marge: "Goodbye, Apu."

hallelujah

Patty: "Farewell, Apu,"

hallelujah

Selma: "we'll miss you more than anything."

Sanjay: "I'll miss you more than anything, Apu, you were a true brother to me."

Apu's closed dark blue casket is now buried in Apu's grave which is right next to Barney Gumble's grave.

Apu's tombstone reads In Memoriam: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, owner of the Kwik-E-Mart

The Flanders family's house/Apu's wake
Moe: "Manjula, just for you to know, my tavern will always be open to you, Homer, Marge, Lenny, Carl and Barney."

Manjula: "Thanks a bunch, Moe, I appreciate what you just said to me."

Ned, Lenny, Carl and Barney walk right over to Manjula.

Ned: "Look, Manjula, I know this shouldn't've happened to Apu, but he was such a super thrillin' man and squishee maker,"

Lenny: "but we don't know who's gonna run the Kwik-E-Mart yet."

Sanjay (off screen): "I'll do it."

Homer: "Hey, who just said that?"

Sanjay: "I'm gonna run the Kwik-E-Mart in honor of my brother's memories."

Kathy: "Oh good,"

Sadie: "now we don't need to worry about the Kwik-E-Mart being closed down for good."

Lisa: "Well what are we waiting for? let's go right down to the Kwik-E-Mart and do the grand re-opening ceremony."

The Kwik-E-Mart/the grand re-opening ceremony
Joe: "And now, let's cut the red ribbon and I hereby declare Sanjay Nahasapeemapatilon the new and improved owner of the Kwik-E-Mart.

Sanjay: "Oh wow, this is super thrilling, I always dreamed about doing this in my brother's memories."

They all enter the Kwik-E-Mart and follow Sanjay around.

Back inside the Kwik-E-Mart
Sanjay's checking out the customer's groceries and handing them in grocery bags to them as well.

Sanjay: "Like my older brother always said, thank you, come again."

Bart: "Whoa, man, you just can't make that quote up."

They're now looking at a photograph of Apu that reads: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (1947-2019), we'll all remember and miss you every single year.

Fade to a black screen.....